Keepin' It Reel

Friends.

Romans.

Numerals.

Lend Me Your Eyes.

I'd like to welcome everyone to one of the weirdest places to ever truly be: Inside My Head. Which, for the record, you don't want to spend a lot of time in. Anyway, I've been dying to get back onto my blogging. And it took a swift kick in the retina from a fellow writer to make me see that Writing Is Fundamental. So that's why the Negro With A Keyboard Blog is BACK!

I'll pause for applause right here.

So, what am I going to talk about on this blog? Am I going to get all deep and inspiring? Am I going to talk about the gigantic list of collegiate regrets that have been hanging over my head since May 2010? Am I going to just spout of random acts of verbal violence at people like Rebecca Black and Jenna Stone?! Of course, I am. But not this time. This time, we're going to take a journey into a place where no self-respecting, money-spending, in dire need of something entertaining, personage of actual taste goes: THE MOVIES.

So. The Month of March was a very interesting movie going experience. I say interesting because not everything was terrible... but not any of it was epic levels of good either. I saw a few movies back in March and I feel it is very necessary for me to shove my opinions of them down your throat for two reasons: 1) Because I've got nothing better to do. 2) To save you some money. It's a Recession, dammit.

Exhibit A: Take My Money Tonight

I don't even know where to begin talk about this horrid abomination of a movie. I will say, since it is April Fools Day, that they got me. Whoever edited the trailer got me good. It could be because I'm Jurassic Years Old and I have a complete and utter obsessive love with The 80s that I saw a different trailer than everyone else. I mean, I was part of the Breakfast Club. I went on the Day Off with Ferris Bueller. Those were, sadly, my best friends. And when I saw this trailer, I was under the horrible misconception that someone was attempting to give me a glimpse into the past. Someone wanted to sprinkle a little bit of classic cheesy awesome onto an otherwise pitiful display of three-dimensional money making ventures into the visual arts.

I was very wrong.

Instead, while watching this flick, I could only manage to sink lower and lower into my seat. I held back tears of injustice as I watched the most awesome decade in the history of the world get ripped to shreds by a horrible hack job of the deleted scenes from The Hangover underneath an 80's Lens. The urge to walk out of the theater was thinly held at bay by the fact that the delicious popcorn (Shout out to Cinemark!) was too good to let go of. Of course, I could've just taken it with me. I see that now in hindsight.

Anyway, the basic premise of this movie is stolen straight from any number of classic 80's Coming of Age films. Our Hero, played Michael Cera-ly by Topher Grace, has done nothing with his post high school/college life and doesn't plan on doing anything. He comes across Barb E. Dahl, played plastic-ly by Teresa Palmer and concocts an epic lie to show that he's not the loser that he truly is!  Gasp! Oh no! Someone might not know what they want to do after college? What an awesome concept for a movie! So heartwrenching! So dramatic!

With that very weak premise holding the movie up, it degrades into a bunch of Random Acts of Fail due to his best friend, played Not Very Zach Galifianakis-ly by Dan Fogler, being the token Wild & Crazy Wannabe Anarchist. There's rampant drug use, horrible dance battles, sex on a trampoline and random breasts in this movie. This movie makes Hot Tub Time Machine look like There Will Be Blood. The acting is about as good as you can get from a script that needs Dr. Dre more than Eminem does right now, there are no noteworthy cameos and for the life of me, I don't know why the climax of this movie involves a gigantic ball.

Whatever. Look. Just thinking about this movie is making me want to take my own head and kick it through the uprights. Since I'm getting sicker and tireder of talking about this flick, some final points and then we're moving on. Anna Faris was in this movie for No Reason. Michelle Trachtenberg was in this movie for No Reason Other Than She Can't Get Another Job Ever. And finally? This:

Was not even in the movie. At all. Which, to me, is the biggest Megaslap meets Powerfist in the face of the 80s in the history of reliving the dream. Do not, ever, ever, ever, watch this movie. Save Yourself.

Rating: FML (Failure on Many Levels)

Exhibit B: Limited

Psst. Hey you.

Who me?

Yeah. How'd you like to use your entire brain?

For what?

No idea. But a lot of crazy shit is going to happen, man.

Shut up.

For real. Like, people will just be all over you, man.

Shut up!

No, man, I'm serious. Like... it makes no sense. At all.

SHUT UP!

Okay, okay. I'll shut up.

Gimmie the pill.

Congratulations. You Just Watched Limitless.

I know, I know. People that know me know that I have a major league sized heart on for Bradley Cooper. Granted, this is because he made The Hangover what it was. But! Throwing him in this vehicle is like putting James Bond in a Ford Focus, he can drive it... but why would he want to?

Bradley Cooper does an amazing job as the failure of a writer (this role was just speaking to me, can't you tell?) that BY PURE HAPPENSTANCE, gets the offer of a lifetime. He's given a pill that can allow him to use his entire brain! SO COOL! While I am being hella sarcastic at this moment, I actually do think the concept of this film is awesome. B-Coop does very good and so does Abbie Cornish the Hen. However, the vehicle itself needed a bit of a tune up. I think what happened is that the filmmakers thought that the premise was so epic that they could just throw stuff together, toss in a handful of special effects leftover from Sherlock Holmes and it would ride the wave of the star power attached to the picture. It worked. Kind of. It got me to the theater, right?

Unfortunately, the story kind of falls flat while attempting to be a thriller. It was more Mr. Toad's Wild Ride mixed with The Bourne Identity than an actual Edge Of Your Seat thrill ride. Which doesn't make it a bad movie, it just means that it is severely lacking. Even though I was the Slackerest Slacker that ever Slacked at UArts, I did learn and retain some knowledge. One of those retained knowledges would be Raising The Stakes. I feel like Limitless didn't explore the full potential of what this concept could've done. They played around with the notion of it being bigger than was presented, but we never really got the chance to see how far. We got a small glimpse into what could've been an epic journey from one end of the world to the other and I'm more pissed that they didn't go hard.

Now, you'll notice that I didn't mention Robert de Niro and that reason is because this movie could've existed without him. Once he showed up (at least halfway into the movie), it was written all over his face that he was there for Name Value alone. His role was more significant in the trailer than it was in the actual movie. His performance, though, was solid and I'll give him credit for working 1st Year Hufflepuff Magic on a role that wasn't really needed. Or a role that he wasn't needed for.

In the end, Limitless doesn't live up to the title of the film. It builds everything up and stops itself right at the glass ceiling... that it put in place prior to even starting. In a way, this is good, as it shows that not everyone in Hollywood is looking to break the barrier. The bad news, though, is that excellent acting and epic concepts suffer the consequences.

Rating: NAH (Nearly A Hit)

Exhibit C: Suckers!

There has never been a more honest movie poster in the history of movie posters. You will be very much unprepared.

Trying to understand Sucker Punch is like trying to understand the Hammerman cartoon. You just don't do it. Let's be clear, though, I walked into Sucker Punch expecting nothing... but slow motion. So this movie was not a disappointment in any way. In fact, it was just stupid as hell and a bigger waste of a budget than Avatar (You can pick which one I'm referring to) will ever be. While there happens to be some kind of pretend premise, it doesn't matter what it is. All that matters is that there are hot chicks fighting creatures and villains and...

Wait. This is a Zack Snyder film. That doesn't matter either.

So here's the Reel Deal when it comes to Sucker Punch. It's slow, it's loud, it's weird, it's slower, it's violent, it's the slowest and it probably wishes that it wasn't the bastard daughter of the first four drafts of Inception. It tries to be clever and it tries to give you an amazing What A Twist at the end, but it's even more predictable than Seven Pounds. To be perfectly honest, none of these things are even the worst parts of the movie. I can't tell you the worst parts of the movie because that would be a total Spoiler Alert. Not that it's possible to spoil a movie this rotten.

I will say, though, that Sucker Punch starts in Slow Motion. The entire first sequence is in slow, painful and agonizing Slow Motion. If you've seen (or slept through) Watchmen... you've watched a faster movie than this. The entire flick is a big ball of confusion and not even in a way that makes you want to figure out what's going on. It does the complete opposite, actually. It makes you wish the movie would just stop trying to be clever and disappear like Criss Angel's career.

The bottom line is that you can pick any other movie to see besides Sucker Punch. I hear No Things about Jane Eyre but I'm sure it's more epic than this waste of special effects. There's a reason why this film lost the battle to a Wimpy Kid.

If this is what we can expect from Zack Snyder, then I'd say the new Superman film has already been stabbed through the chest by Kryptonite.

Rating: ...

So. There you have it. I know I kinda' went into epic writing mode. But gimmie a break. I had a lot to review! And now you know that you can spend your money on something much more important. Like... Anything Else. Buy a season of Smallville.

Somebody Save Me.

Keep It Reel!